Asscrackus and the Cock Rings of Doom

Session Date: December 13, 2024

We took the rings of electricity resistance from Axarcus and parted ways. His lair disappeared from view as we said good fucking riddance to that shady fuck.

When we arrived at the outlying farms, it quickly became apparent the disparity between Xandria's impression of what she saw, versus that of Rak, Remi and Zakm, who had put on the rings from Asscrackus. The latter two had bafflingly chosen to put them on their unmentionables.

After chatting with the dragonborn guards to confirm the theory that Asscrackus lied about the situation with Mellifarian, we quickly discovered that the rings Asscrackus gifted us wouldn't come off.

Before anyone could say "dick guillotine", Zakm lopped off his cock, earning the swift and undeniable wrath of God. A hand reached out of nothing to take the severed member and wrist slap Zakm for thoughts of future penis-relared tom foolery.

After Xander grew him a new phallus, we spent an inordinate amount of time dispelling the illusion of an enslaved countryside for everyone.

Finally, making our way to the city, we formed an elaborate plan to cause a carriage accident with the heir to one of the city's most famous nobility families, in order to heal / save them and garner favor to get an audience with the major domo.

We Count of Monte Cristo'd shit out of those rich bitches and got our audience.

We met with the Domo and somehow managed to convince him of who we were and what we wanted to do, hot tub very much in use. The Domo channeled Mellifarian and we worked out a plan to attack Asscrackus.

Notable quotes:

"Under no circumstances are you keeping your chopped off dong." -most unamused DM of all time

"If you reach the clit you've gone too far." -Zakm, describing how to get us to Ass Cracker's lair by describing the geography in relation to a vulva.